Dear Peasant…

Hello everyone! This year I completely forgot about April Fools Day until the day of, so I didn’t have anything to use for a prank. Therefore, I had to compromise. So I sent an email to Savy. I have decided to share our exchange with you.

Please note: I did not originally come up with I SLAP FLOOR, I got that from Adventures in Odyssey.

My email:

Hello Peasant!
This is email is to inform you that as of 10:00 a.m. this morning, I have been officially announced Dictator of the Universe. As I will be determining every detail of your life from this moment forward, I feel it is only fair that I introduce myself to you. My name is Tinker Bell, and I am married to a Moroccan man that I met while filming “Road to Morocco”. His name is Billy Bob. I recently wrote a book titled, “World Domination: How I Conquered the world and what I plan to do next.” It’s the story of my life and my plans for the future. I would recommend reading it so that you know how I plan to control your life and use it for my own selfish purposes. Wait, did I say that out loud? In case you are stupid enough not to read the book, I will give you a quick summary of my past experiences and what I plan to do next. I was born and raised like most Martian children, I suppose. But from an early age I knew I wanted to be in charge of everything. Especially planet earth. I moved to your charming planet when I was ten years old. I lived with the oompa-loompa’s for many years, and contrary to popular belief, I was the first person to discover them. Not Johnny Depp or Willy Wonka. After I left the oompa-loompa’s I played the supporting role in the movie, “Peter Pan.” Later, I decided to buy a coffee shop in Costa Rica. While there I lived mostly as a local, except I brainwashed every government official, and was soon the ruler of the entire country. I did this with every country until I had the entire world in the palm of my hand. That is the story of how I conquered the world. My hobbies include: knitting, golf, and drinking laundry detergent. Now that you know a little bit about me, I’m sure you’re curious as to what I plan to do with you. My intentions are simple: I plan to make you my slave and show you no mercy.
Have a lovely evening!
I SLAP FLOOR! ~The President of the Entire World and then Some, Tinker Bell
You may want to re-arrange the letters of my sign off, there is a meaning there. 🙂
Savy’s reply:
Dear Tinker-Bell

I am not entirely sure how you came into possession of my contact information. Either you have a highly sophisticated hacking system in your computers (which is highly unlikely, considering I am the only person who has access to technology of that kind), or you are very good at guessing. I must admit that I am rather confused. I have never heard of you before, and I am certain that if you were actually taking over the world, you would have at least been on at least one of the 27 news channels in Gotham City. To your misfortune, you have failed to brainwash me. If your code was an attempt at this, you might want to try writing one that is in a comprehensible language. Not Oompa Loompish. My secretary spent hours attempting to break the code, and he came to no avail. But seeing as how you appear to be new to the villain business, I suppose I can excuse this error. And just so you know, if you attempt to infiltrate, enslave, or tyrannize the city of Gotham, I will see to it that you and your Loompy henchmen are hunted down and destroyed. Justice will prevail.
Bruce Wayne
Owner of Wayne Enterprises
My response:
This email is simply an example of how small earthling’s brains are, any Martian would have known immediately that I SLAP FLOOR can easily be rearranged into April Fools! Anyway, how I came upon your contact information is none of your business, but if you must know I read your mind. That is one of my many skills. You only think you have never heard of me before because I have a multitude of disguises and body forms, as well as pseudonyms. You only think I have failed to brainwash you, even at this very moment I am controlling your every thought. (I want you to think that I do not control you.) I must admit that you have offended me with your insinuation that I am an amateur villain. You will pay dearly for this mistake. Your Gotham City and Wayne Enterprises will suffer. You have no power to stop me. As for justice prevailing, we are men (or girls) of action, lies do not become us.
Sincerely~ the One and Only, Totally Awesome, President Tinker-Bell
Savy’s response:
You sound like a bit of a racist supreme ruler. I might argue that little green people with antennae are of inferior intelligence. And don’t you think it is a bit odd that you are trying to convince me that you are mind controlling me, while at the same time are trying to convince me that you are not? And why are you using Earth’s lousy technology if you can just read my mind? Couldn’t you just instantly zap your emails into my brain? I don’t think you are taking advantage of your resources. Which is just one proof that you are an amateur.

And think about this. If you are the one controlling my brain, then aren’t you really just insulting yourself? It’s like you are fighting back and forth with yourself through Bruce Wayne, which is very hard on your self-esteem (and rather hard on Bruce’s brain. He won’t make a very good slave with a fried brain.). You seem like a very unstable life form. You might consider getting therapy and sorting your self out before you try ruling the world.
Bruce Wayne
Owner of Wayne Enterprises and King of New York
My response:
That’s it. Prepare to die. I’m prepping my zappy machine thing. Oh, and you can say good-bye to your precious Gotham City! Ha! Ha! Ha! (That was an evil laugh.) Maybe next time you’ll think twice about offending the great and powerful Tinker-Bell! And you can’t be King of New York, I’m King of New York and the entire universe! I like my slaves having fried brains, then they can’t think for themselves. I am not insulting myself, that’s just your pitiful little human brain thinking, you cannot fully comprehend my genius plan. See, I’m confusing you already. Truly, you have a dizzying intellect. Not.
Pushing all the fun buttons on my zappy thingamajig right now, in preparation for your death and erasing of memories! ~President Tinker-Bell
There were several more emails after that, but this post is already pretty long, so I will have to leave at that.
~The supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, incredible, diabolical, President Tinker-Bell (aka Ally)

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